Its only two (well three, including Brody) of us living in 1200 sq. ft. and it is impossible for me to keep it clean! I do laundry, dishes, and vacuum every day, but even when I'm done I feel like it is all cluttered. I so wish that I had some kind of interior decorating skills. My house can be sparkling clean, but I never feel that way because none of our furniture matches, there are no decorations or pictures on the wall, and things just look awkwardly placed in their designated spot. The only thing that feels like "home" is the fireplace mantle, with candles, wedding pictures, and a big framed horse picture hanging on the wall. I look at it and feel content, but then I turn my head and am discouraged. I would have the ability and encouragement to fix everything, but we are so broke that we can barely afford food, let alone curtains, pictures, and various fixtures.
Does everyone except me have the natural ability to keep a house clean and homey? I babysat the neighbors upstairs' little boy last week. They have the same exact floor plan as us, but as soon as I stepped in I felt like a loser. Everything was so perfect, and decorated, and their sunroom (where we just have random ugly furniture that we don't use) was an adorable little playroom for the baby, with a train set table and his own little chair & tv stand. SO cute and I'm admittedly so jealous. Even the baby's room was clean, with all the toys in their own bucket. I can't even keep track of Brody's dog toys! The little boy, Greyer, is absolutely precious and I had a great time with him. I hope I can babysit more often for them.
My self-discouragement only gets deeper when I think of having kids in the future. I long for a family, but how will I ever keep up with a baby when I can't even keep up with us as a couple?
Which leads to Brody's potty training. He's been with us for over two months now and is STILL peeing in the house about once every two days. I have him on a schedule to eat, go out and poop, play, poop, sleep, eat, etc... and right when everything is going awesome he'll look at me and pee on the carpet. Urgh. Drew and I can't leave for more than 4 hours at a time, because Brody can't hold his pee that long yet. Twice in the past week we have been out too long and have come home to poop smeared all over the bottom of the crate and Brody sitting in it. We haven't really been able to enjoy any of our "Dinner & a Movie" date nights, because we fight over who is going to clean the cage when we get back.
I don't ever get mad at Brody, though, and Drew gets mad at me for coddling with him, but he is seriously all I have at this point. I want to make friends, I want to go out and DO STUFF with SOMEONE. I've realized how socially awkward I am and for some reason I act so weird and introverted around new people. There is a large group of about 15 residents that meet at the dog park every night and let our dogs burn off some energy while we chat. The group is made up of mostly young army wives like myself, and we all get along great, but they have all known each other longer and my quiet self kind of gets left out. They always talk about meeting up at each others' apartments and going out for dinner, but they have yet to ask for my phone number. I'm not having a pity party for myself, because overall its my fault for not making myself known. To anyone who is reading this... I really AM a fun, outgoing, and crazy person. I am funny, sarcastic, giddy, like to dance and embarrass myself... WHY did that person stay in California? I think it stayed with my best friend and didn't want to come to Georgia. I wish Danielle would come and visit and bring the old me with her.
I joined a MeetUp group on meetup.com that is for Army Wives in the area. It is really and awesome idea and concept, but I think I am the only one without a baby. Therefore, most of the meetups are "playdates" for the little kids, and the rest of the meetups are "adult only" at the bars... which I can't get into! AAARGH. I can't win. I did finally come into contact with another 20 year old army wife who sounds awesome. We have been texting back and forth and are planning on meeting up later this week. Her husband is 22, so it would be nice to go on double dates. Right when everything seemed perfect with that, she mentioned that her husband is a Sergeant, which Drew freaked out about because he is only a Private and feels inferior, so it would be awkward. Ok babe, nevermind. Bad idea.
So my criteria for a friend at this point: My age, brand new to the military, not married to anyone over E-3, no kids, extremely social to override my quietness, doesn't constantly talk crap about their husband, not an alcoholic. Hmm.. any takers?
To top everything off, Drew basically hates it here. He is more homesick than I am, and he really, really does not like the Army. I know its only because he is brand new and feels like he is overpowered by everyone he comes across, and it will get better. I have to stay strong for him and get him through this. Every single one of his friends have told me how Drew is the best soldier out there, and everyone admires him. I wish Drew could see that and understand that. He is amazing and I love him, and I love it HERE. I really do. Drew is my hero and I could never thank him enough for getting me where I am today, because even through all the trials I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. And yes, I do tell him that every day... Maybe he'll start to believe me eventually.
Its tough on a man who feels like he cannot provide for his family. Our budget and financial situation weighs on his mind 24/7 and it kills him to know that he can't just work overtime, or take a part time job, to help us. I can't even explain how hard of a worker he is. He is always looking for odd jobs to do around the house. I wish I had a supernatural bank account that I could reach into and give him every penny he deserves.
I turned in two more applications this week at child care places that I heard were hiring. Please pray that I hear back from them.
I'm sorry for the rant. But, I do feel better. I'll be even happier 2.5 seconds after posting this.
1 comments:
I know it took me years before I felt like our house was becoming a "home". We've been married (and in our house) for 6 1/2 years and I still sometimes feel like our house is a work in progress. I worry about it being clean when we have kids, but I've heard people say that when we are on our deathbeds we will NOT be saying, "I only wish I had kept my house cleaner". :) So try not to let that overwhelm you.
As far as you feeling lonely, I feel that way sometimes. If my sisters were not close by I know I would feel that way even more. All of my friends are single so their lifestyles are so different than mine. I feel like we don't have as much in common anymore and they are always going to bars which I just don't really want to do anymore.
Wish I could be of more help.
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